Beginning or End

Nicholas Sharpe

Beginning or End

Written on 01 Mar : 18:08

Now Playing: Man in the Box - Alice in Chains

Having been sought for years by my kind, I now stand on the brink of losing all relation with their humanity. Given to the kindred by my family either as a gift or in payment of some debt, I am unsure; my existence has consisted of little more than disdained toleration by those surrounding me. I once saw my picture, located on the back of a milk carton several years ago, the only evidence that anyone was ever concerned about my “well” being that I have ever known. Around the time I was eight years old I was presented to the House by my parents, the story regarding my disappearance and/or abduction a ruse carried out by my birth parents. There is no fondness within the term parent within me. They were nothing but human waste, driven by their own insatiable desires; they eventually became indebted to the House. I have come to believe that this was the natural outcome of their drug habits. Nevertheless, their problems became mine at the point at which they gave over their desires and became ghouls in service towards the House. At that time I became House property and have since only known the boundaries of the immediate estate as my home. Not that I have been mistreated as much as ignored by most, I have suffered pain in my own right. Although they educated me well and required nothing less than perfection in my studies, training, physical fitness and presentation, I was openly a source of contempt for some and an outright abnormality that should be eliminated by others. However I was protected by the Master of the House and all that feared me and what I represented……. feared him more.

From what I have learned I know that I have been tutored by only the finest minds, have received nothing less than the best education that could be attained. Not being especially intelligent, I completed the requirements equivalent to a Masters of Business Administration at the University level by the time I was eighteen years of age. The past two years I have received 10 hours per day of extensive training regarding combat arts and physical fitness. I feel that I have been honed to a razor’s edge but still struggle to know a purpose. Now some twelve years following my “disposal” at the hands of my parents, it appears that my time of selection has come. Although I still see my “parents” they do not show me any regard or even recognition that they know who I am. For several years they would still call me by name on occasion, but now it seems as if they have forgotten even the most rudimentary knowledge of who I was.

Tonight on the anniversary of my “disposal” I leave behind an anguished past full of loneliness, despair and desolation and will be called to embrace a future that may only prove to be an extension of the same. My choices have never been my own and I have been subject to another’s will for all of my life that I can recall. I do not know if I will ever have a free will or be able to make my own choices. Neither do I feel that I will ever belong to anything. Mine has been an existence in total isolation, emotions totally dulled by constant neglect, I feel almost mechanical. I suffer for recognition, not recognition with regard to award or achievement, but of the simplest and the most basic, recognition as something more than a shadow or that of vermin. It is said that I will gain acceptance by some, yet still be relegated as nothing more than a contrivance by others…..which is true, I do not know. What will come….I know even less, and bear no hope that anything lasting will come from what is about to happen. While I stand watching the sunset I wonder if I will ever feel the warmth of the sun again. Will there ever exist anything more than darkness, indifference and ……… pain.

.::. Everything I loved…..is (Un)Dead .::.